SOMETHING FROM 2013 THE ARCHIVES:
warning: this post is complete nonsense and may waste your time. only read in case of extreme boredom: (altho that explains many posts on this blog)
In case you didn’t accidentally flip by CNN anytime during or about a week after valentines day 2013, an 893-foot, 4,200-person Carnival cruise ship took off from Galveston last week for what was supposed to be a normal, run-of-the-mill cruise. The ship suffered an engine fire on Sunday, though, and the ship was crippled. It spent the last four days of its trip stranded in the Gulf of Mexico. Conditions on board were relayed back to people on land through text messages and short phone calls, and it quickly became clear that the ship had descended into anarchy, a floating “Lord of the Flies,” where passengers were pooping in overflowed toilets, sleeping on the deck, and, as food ran out, eating jelly beans three meals a day.
MIND YOU THIS GLORY STORY THAT WAS COVERED ON CNN FOR LEGIT 7 DAYS STARTING ON FABULOUS FEB 14TH.. WHICH HAPPENED TO BE MERE MONTHS AFTER MY HEARTBREAK OF HEARTBREAKS HAD OCCURED. SO NOT ONLY WAS I THRILLED AT THIS SHIPS TIMING, BUT MY FRIEND AND I FELT THE NEED TO CELEBRATE ITS SHIT EXPLOSION W/ A POEM.
THE SHIP OF SHIT
there once was a carnival ship called triumph that cruised
and while the passengers gambled and boozed
little did they know that their fair vessel
was about to turn into a big gigantic poopy mess(el)
the ship was old and soon pipes broke
which obviously worried the folk
but they had no idea what was in store
before they were to return to shore
slowly the shit came dripping down
first they were curious then started to frown
as raw sewage came down on their heads
and into their luggage and all over their beds
Two girls ashore who are really quite brills
took the opportunity to bring themselves some thrills
the day that the diarrrhea ship gained gallons of shit
was a day that they both (one especially) was dreading a bit
valentines day was when the shit started to ooze
and the girls forgot their woes and were fiercely amused
imagining their fates on a ship filled with shit
was much better than any breakup.. at least just a bit
here are just a few of the fucking brilliant headlines that brought joy to our otherwise overly shitty valentine day. GOD, WHO COULD COME UP W ANYTHING BETTER. hahahhahahaah
- Passengers Trapped on Shit-Encrusted Hell Cruise Docked in Caribbean
- Disabled, Shit-Covered Cruise Ship Descends to New Circle of Hell Off the Coast of Alabama
- Stranded Carnival Cruise Ship’s Toilets Are So Full Of Shit They Are Falling Off The Walls
- Holy crap: Carnival tweet assures poop-cruise passengers the bathrobes are complimentary
REAL LIFE NO BULLSHIT QUOTES:
These quotes from passengers talking about the “poop” part of the “poop cruise.” How is this not the best news story of all time?
“The lower floors had it the worst, the floors ‘squish’ when you walk and lots of the lower rooms have flooding from above floors,” Hill wrote. “Half the bachelorette party was on two; the smell down there literally chokes you and hurts your eyes.”
- From Deadspin: “Y’all better be enjoying your Valentine’s flowers while we’re defecating in red plastic bags.”
- From the NY Times: ““It’s like being locked in a Porta Potty for days,” said Peter Cass, a physician from Beaumont, Tex., as the ship crept closer to Mobile on Thursday. “We’ve lived through two hurricanes, and this is worse.”
: “She said ‘there’s poop and urine all along the floor. The floor is flooded with sewer water … and we had to poop in bags.’
: “The worst thing I’ve witnessed is] the toilets that fell off the wall because they were so full and shit and urine floating around.”
- “They did their best to keep our spirits up,” she said.
Joseph and Cecilia Alvarez of San Antonio said some passengers passed the time by forming a Bible study group.“It was awesome,” he said. “It lifted up our souls and gave us hope that we would get back.” But most still aboard chanted, “Let me off, let me off!”
AND THIS IS PROBABLY THE FUNNIEST ACCOUNT I’VE EVER HEARD- the story legit cannot get better:
Jayme Lamm—freelance sportswriter and proprietor of TheBlondeSide.com—is currently stranded aboard the Carnival Triumph, a cruise ship that has been without power for four days after an engine room fire. We’ve received sporadic dispatches from her over the past few days via text message, and she’s agreed to let us post them in this space. Everything [sic]’d.Barely alive.Literally stranded at sea. Using plastic bags to bathroom and NO ELECTRICITY.
[The worst thing I’ve witnessed is] the toilets that fell off the wall because they were so full and shit and urine floating around. Two people were banging in my tent the first night and I watched I was so bored.
Food hasn’t been a huge issue, but it’s not good. Jelly & bread and zucchini & red onion sandwiches. Some lady was SELLING Immodium. Woman died yesterday of a heart attack. They closed the bars Sunday when the fire happened. Luckily I brought a flask. And Ambien.
They won’t let us outside because people are holding up sheets with messages. The first three nights we slept outside under tents made out of our bedsheets. They made us come in. They said safety reasons but it’s not. Today they cleaned the hell out of this ship, served LOBSTER FOR LUNCH, crew is wearing matching hats.Y’all better be enjoying your Valentine’s flowers while we’re defecating in red plastic bags. People are spelling “HELP” with their bodies. Our theme song has been Alicia Keys: “This Boat Is On Fire.”We are going 1mph.
Update (6:44 p.m.): Some lady just told me she took the batteries out of her vibrator to use her fan.
and here are the musings of two creative geniuses on this beloved topic who fondly named this the SHIP OF SHIT. and will always remember feb 14th 2013 as our best valentines day.
: omg what about the poop parents who had diapers of shit
HAHAHAHAHAHH on ship of shit i would have thrown that shit overboardlet the sharks eat it
: they prob did lol
: hahaha and when i say “that shit” i’m being literal HAHA god i love ship of shit
: LOLL me tooooo
: its literal the best thing ever i can’t believe shit leaked from the ceiling i would have been in tears the whole time
: i think we would have had to be separated you would have been so pissed at me
: at YOU?
: YOURE LIKE “I’M COVERED IN SHIT TOO YOU WHORE”
: haha i definitely would’ve flipped my shit literally hahahaha
: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH it keeps getting better where would we have shit? like basically when we shit we would be shitting on the ppl on the deck below us HAHAAH its like a never ending cycle of shit
: hahaha i would’ve just hung out outdoors prob shat outdoors too go all 3rd world on that ship
: i saw pics me: hahahahah its true tho, right
: i’d laugh one second, cry another and then start screaming : hahhahahahahaha SAME HERE!
: it would be like totally out of a nightmare i bet there were hella hicks on that shit ship too hicks always are down to go on cruises and they eat and shit more than anyone i dont get why the peeps didn’t like camp out on the roof i bet it still reakedhahhahahahaha smelly ass ship i wonder what the water animals thought Carol: hahhahahha LOL at the hicks
: they are ike.. OH HELL NO
: everyone looked so gross
: wasn’t there like a mutiny abt the food, ppl were like hoarding foodfucking fat assesi would have been like.. LOOK ANNOUNCEMENT… I’M X, THIS IS XX.. WERE FROM NYC SO WE HAVE SERIOUS UNCONTROLLABLE TEMPERS AND ARE EXTREMELY IRRITABLE.. please do not talk to us and avoid us at all costs bc we dont want you smelly southern hick near us.. PLEASE DEAR GOD WE ARE DOING THIS TO TRY AND MAINTAIN PEACE. omg wow
: if you said that we would’ve been raped with shit
: literally a poop rape hahhaa
: OMG HAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAH
: yea, im your grossest friend
: i would have gotten in a life boat and been liKe fuck this shit LITERALLY
you are very welcome for this glorious memory and I am sorry if I offended anyone but at least I was telling the truth!!